Saying Sorry Too Much: Strategies to End the Pattern

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.